It's been nearly a month since I last posted. My apologies, but I have been doing a lot of job-searching and trying to survive. This isn't going to be a super-Pagan post, but I just thought I would give everybody an update about what's been going on in my life the last couple of months.
As I think you all know, I resigned from my teaching job in February, intending to go back to nursing school. (Oh, and don't worry--I finished out the school year...can't be breaking contracts, now, can we?) Well, the nursing school plan fell through because I realized that I didn't have near enough money to take classes, and I had three prerequisites that I would have had to take over the summer. Academically I would've been on-point, but financially I was--and am--still struggling.
If you don't like to hear about financial problems, now would be the time to exit my page. The only reason I am putting this here (as opposed to YouTube or Facebook--although, I probably will link this to The Pagan Mama Diaries FB page as usual) is because I don't want to seem like a whiner or like a charity case (because, let's face it, it's hard to not think those things about people who talk about their financial problems). I figure I have a smaller following on my blog, so I guess I feel safer sharing these things here--hopefully I don't get much backlash! Anyway.
My teaching job was at a parochial school, and I was salaried at $20,000 my first year, and $21,500 this past year. After all of my deductions (insurance, etc.) I was making about $1,400 and $1,600 a month, respectively. This wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have a child to parent by myself (I have not received child support since May), or if I had a partner helping me with bills. However, this salary has not been enough to support us as far as housing, paying my student loans, paying other monthly bills, and paying for daycare.
A little back story: I had my son a year-and-a-half before I graduated from college, so I was a broke single mother (his sperm donor basically abandoned us) living on welfare and using my student loan money to pay bills. I had food stamps, daycare assistance, practically free housing, and my son had Medicaid. As soon as I got a job, I no longer had any of that. (Well, my son does have Medicaid still--paying for him to be on my insurance policy would have cost me a couple hundred a month!) Almost overnight I went from having about $300 a month in food stamps that were always spent on healthy foods, to having to figure out how to grocery shop more frugally without having to feed processed crap to my son for every meal. I went from not paying ANYTHING for daycare to having a $400/month daycare bill. I went from paying $20/month for public housing to paying $450/month for a house.
If this sounds like I'm all "woe is me," I guess it kind of is. I just wish that there were some kind of weaning program--something to help wean you off of welfare, because DAMN, was real welfare-less life a shocker! I did reapply for assistance my first year teaching, and I was informed that $1,400 a month is not enough to get help with daycare. Mind you, I was paying $400 for daycare, $450 for rent, plus electric, gas, utilities, diapers, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. (You all know what those bills look like, I'm sure.) I had MAYBE $200 left at the end of the month for incidentals (gassing up the car, etc.) if I was lucky. I actually quit taking my epilepsy medication so I could save money. OH! And I was paying down a $500 bill (after insurance) from my last office visit to the neurologist>>>OMG. So, I basically quit taking my Topamax, quit taking birth control (didn't need it), and tried to get down the bare minimum of what I needed to stay healthy. I do have WIC (Women, Infants, and Children) assistance, so that helps a bit with groceries, and it's wonderful that they have changed the program to include fresh fruits and vegetables--we get $6 worth of those each month. Of course, they last about a week, depending on what we get, but still, it's money that I am not having to pay out-of-pocket.
I did find a new daycare provider, and you know what? My son's daycare provider is one of the most Christian women I've ever met. She knows how little I make and hard I struggle, so she has been charging me half of what she normally would, and she is the definition of a G-d-send. Unfortunately, I think what started The Horror of Summer 2012 was that I tried to pay off my daycare bill in May (because I was still a bit behind), and then I was threatened with eviction because my landlord hadn't cashed my April rent until the end of May (along with the check for May!), and--stupid me--I didn't realize it wasn't out of my bank account. Grr.
So, starting in June, I had to have help paying my rent. My boyfriend loaned me some money, for rent, and then a few weeks later I was getting lonely and distraught over missing my son, so he loaned me money to retrieve him from my mother's house (which was a state away). I was hoping that that would be all I had to borrow, but then he loaned me money for my July rent. Now, here I am, jobless, one more paycheck coming at the end of the month, and no money to pay my rent that was due three days ago. Double grr.
My community and surrounding area have several online garage sale pages on Facebook, so I've been trying like mad to sell half of the stuff we own. I really am trying to hang on to things that have meaning to me as a mother, because I hope that one day they will have meaning to him (and possibly his children). There is no way that I am selling my mom's, my aunt's, or my old toys--they're mostly considered antiques now! And books? Fuhgeddaboudit.
Speaking of antiques, I had two antique babies that meant a lot to me, and I sold one in June while my son was gone, trying to get money to go get him. My 1924 Singer Treadle Machine went bye-bye, and my boyfriend got pissed off at me for not telling him that I needed help (I tend to be a proud person). Now, I'm trying to get rid of my nice, solid oak dining room table and my 1890s piano--that baby is in storage because I moved into an apartment to try to save money, so I am now trying to clean out the storage unit to eliminate a bill. Maybe I'm a Scrooge, but I don't price my stuff as low as a lot of people in this town. Lo siento, but I am not going to sell you twenty of my son's board books for $10, and I will NOT NOT NOT just GIVE you my piano! I feel awful for selling some of my baby's toys, but apparently people only want to buy kid's stuff. The ratio of adult to children's items that I've been selling is probably 1:4.
So, as I've been typing this over the last two hours (thank you for distracting me, YouTube people!), I've started thinking about how all of this monetary lacking in my life has spilled over into my spirituality and my emotions. I have been very unproductive the last couple of months, and I know that it's due to not knowing what I'm doing with my life. Although I am not the type of person who "plans" things--I would much rather be spontaneous--motherhood is making me very nervous about how I will provide for my child. If I sold my table and the tote full of baby's outgrown clothing in the next day or two I would be ecstatic.
Last month I did a few money spells and burned some money-drawing incense (which I LOVED!), and it seemed to help. I admit that I did spend some money on Business Oil, and it seems to work a little, but I don't know what else to do. I mean, I am not solely relying on Magick to aid me--I'm legit working to make ends meet and find a job right now. I'm selling my belongings, books, dishes, etc. online, I listed some stuff (for free) on ebay, I have several books and movies on Amazon, I have my etsy store, I sell my soaps locally, and yet I have nothing! All of my money is going to pay medical bills--I had a $700 root canal done in April, and I'm still paying for it, and several "womanly" appointments (due to a lump in my breast an pre-cancerous cells on my cervix) that are costing me a ton, as well. Ugh. I feel like I can't catch a break!
So in short (for a not-short post), I am just asking that everybody reading this would send some prayers, positive energy, love and light our way, because we are very in need right now! I don't really know what else to say right now, so I will just leave you with that request...thank you in advance! I really believe that the Pagan community has a great heart and when the community prays together, truly amazing things happen! <3
Love and Light to all of YOU!
)O(
